I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
