Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
