I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
