just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
