I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
