Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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