Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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