awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
