Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
