Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize