And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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