1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize