Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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