Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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