he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
