She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Four minutes until I can fart!
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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