I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
be right there i have to get my cape
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
