i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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