I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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