i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Randomize
