Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
time to smoke my breakfast
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize