Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
