I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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