I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
