I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
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