so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
