I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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