I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize