Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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