Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
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