we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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