you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
