My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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