Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
