Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
