maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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