HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
