I cannot find my penis.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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