Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
