Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
