just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
