ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize