i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
