YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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