What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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