Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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