i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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