I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
