hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
