Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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