I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
