i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
