that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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