i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
