i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
