she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
