I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
