FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
