Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
You left your phone here
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