so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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