and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
