I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
