i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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