I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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