I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
