somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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