Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
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