Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
