Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
