worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
