Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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